I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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