Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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