Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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