Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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