Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Randomize
