Heybabeimwearingurpanties
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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