i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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