Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
