"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
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