he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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