Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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