He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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