yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
