just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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