your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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