in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
