oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
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