hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
