i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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