is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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