Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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