She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
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