I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
