Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Randomize
