8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
