the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
