dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Vodka?
Forever.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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