Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i dont even know how to be here
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
