Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
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