Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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