I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
