she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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