I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
