She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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