The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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