I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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