I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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