eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
