Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
