i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
