Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
