Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
