A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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