dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
