Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
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