i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Randomize
