Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
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