Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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