turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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