I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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