bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
