some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
