Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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